Why I Am Better Than You Are

Today's question comes from 3-year-old Grimsby McDonald. Grimsby asks, “What is it that sets you apart from other CEOs?”

I like this question because it implies that I'm better than other CEOs and, by extension, you. Not that I was ever in any doubt about that. So, yes, Grimsby, thanks for asking.

I think the thing that really sets me apart is my humanitarian work. I don't know a single, other CEO who provides work for orphans, orphans who would otherwise be forced to live in a care home with professional social workers or with foster parents pretending to love them. No, they work with me, they eat with me (when I'm not out to lunch eating real food) and they learn the value of graft in our fast-track-to-experience, thirty-six hour shifts and all by the age of 4. It raises them up.

Granted, the vast majority of my orphans are burnt out by the time they hit 7. And I mean that quite literally. I didn't commission the Dachaumaster 3000 incinerator for nothing. But at least they will have had a good three years. Not many of you lot can say that.

And it's not all one-way generosity. After all, they keep my company profitable and I thank them for that. The thin gruel we provide is a low overhead. If I had to pay actual wages, I doubt we'd have lasted the first month. So without overloading the wankometer, I would say here at Zelebz there's a synergy.

Some, though, have had the temerity to call it legalised slavery. I take issue with that. First of all, I'm not entirely sure that it is legal. I didn't check. Second, it's no different to Jamie Oliver and his Fifteen restaurants, where they find people under bridges, give them a hosing with DDT and then glue a frying pan to one hand and a recipe for quail's vagina to the other.

No, goddammit, it is different. Our products make the world a better place. Oliver's shit just makes people fat, because it's food, and food is what makes you fat, not fatty food, all food! So, Oliver, you can stick that up your shitpipe, you mockney clown.