This
week I received an interesting question from four-year-old Isaac. He
says, “You've been around the block, Euston. How would you use your
vast experience to solve the current conflict between Israel and
Palestine?
Often
when people are given this question they pussy-foot around it,
claiming it to be intractable. Well, it isn't. Here's my solution.
I'd send peace envoy Tony Blair there. Yes, really. It would be
great. And when he gets out of the plane and we've video evidence
that he's actually arrived in Israel we should nuke the fucking
place. Two birds, one stone. One massive radioactive stone. They
can resume fighting in twenty thousand years when the air doesn't
make their faces melt. Admittedly, this is more a solution to the
problem of Tony Blair than the conflict in Israel but, you know,
collateral damage and all that.
I
met Tony Blair once, the horrible shit. I was only three. The
arrogant prick mistook me for John Bercow. I'm not sure what it is
about Blair that annoys me so much. I suspect it's his deeply
socialist agenda. I know a lot of people have accused him of moving
to the right but he didn't move far enough for me. And now it's nice
to see the Tories becoming a bit more Thatcherite again. I'm with
David 100%. Get everyone working. What, you don't want to work? Chop
off a limb. What, now you can't work? Chop off another. Eventually
they'll get the message, the lazy fucks. At least that's what David
told me last week.
Don't
get me wrong. I'm not supporting idiots like Farage. I'm not a
fucking retard. We need Europe. A lot of my software is sold to
Europe. And my uncle Tony needs Europe to fill up his transit van
with cheap plonk once a fortnight. And where would we be without
Dignitas? Are you reading, mother and father? I said Dignitas.
Anyway,
for now, please excuse me. I need a wee wee.
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