Why Scotland Can Never Leave The UK

Today's question comes from 5-year-old Cumbria Littlejohn. She says, “My father is a stereotypical drunken Scotsman while my mother is a stereotypical drunken English woman. Normally they get on like a house on fire – i.e., there's usually something smouldering somewhere - but in the last months there has been a great deal of tension when they hit the sauce and discuss the issue of Scottish independence. So, Euston, should Scotland leave the UK?”

That's an interesting question, Cumbria, and one about which there appears to have been a lot of debate recently. I'm not sure what all the fuss is about though. It's plain and simple. Scotland cannot leave the UK and I'll tell you why: They. Are. Fucking. Glued. Together. By. Rocks, you daft bastard. I might be five years old and have never been to school but I know that much about geology. Have you been to the border? What are they going to do? Get a massive pair of scissors?

It's a shame we can't set Scotland free though. Obviously, despite their diet, Scotland is lighter than the UK and so it might float off somewhere warm. And then we'd be able to go there for our holidays. I only give myself 12 weeks a year but I'm running out of worthwhile destinations. And Scotland would be nice if it was sunny because then you might be able to go outside and stuff, unlike now.

But what would happen if it floated in the wrong direction and ended up near Greenland? Everyone would break their teeth on their frozen shortbread. And the heroin would just be a huge, icy clump. They could lick it I suppose but I remember when I was at TED in Vancouver last winter and Abel Ardman licked a railing and his tongue stuck. So maybe that wouldn't be a good idea.

But anyway, even if they could get a big enough pair of scissors, Scotland still can't leave the UK because they've got all the oil and Britain invades nations with oil and we'd just take the country back again the day after and then annoy them by calling it something like Shitland instead.

I hope I've solved that one for you, Cumbria.