The Art of Motivation

I've received an email from a Mr. Harry Anderson. What's wrong with you, man? No one uses email any more. Ah, I've just checked his age. He's 11. The Sleepy Pines Rest Home awaits, granddad. 

Anyway, despite Harry being too geriatric to act upon my advice, I'll answer his question here for the rest of you. Harry asks, "Euston, what's the best way to motivate staff. Do you prefer the softly-softly approach or is it more carrot and stick with you?"

To be honest, Harry, It's neither. It's mostly water-boarding. And sometimes a stick. And maybe a carrot, if it's been sharpened. That said, generally my staff don't need motivating. The job is its own motivation. If you don't do the work, you don't get any food. That's one of the advantages of only employing orphans.

Of course there are external partners who, because of my age, I am reluctantly forced to use and these people need motivating too. My forty-four-year-old driver does sterling work totally for free motivated entirely by fear of the paedophilic charges I've suggested he may one day be falsely accused of. Forty-four? I ask you. What sort of life is that? Still, I suppose he's seen some cool stuff, like evolution. Incidentally, for a while I tried to drive myself but I could never get to meetings across town on time, no matter how hard I pedalled.

So basically, Harry, I suspect I use the same tactics as all CEOs and, in fact, bosses at all levels. I use fear. I make people's lives miserable. And that's what makes me happy. Absolutely fucking ecstatic. You know what I'm saying? Nah, course you don't. If you did, you'd be sat here instead of me.

But, for now, please excuse me. It's time for my glass of milk.